the experience of a cut

One of the biggest struggles that i've had during all my years is the desire to cut. Self-injury, as it it called by the professionals is one of the most noticeable warning signs of depression/mental illness. I started when i was in 6th grade, nothing too drastic. Only using safety pins to make slight scratches on my body. Internally, i knew this was wrong and therefore i justified it being okay by using the term scratching, instead of cutting. But it is all the same. Over the years, i refined my skill. Most think that when a person cuts it is their way of crying out for help. This is true for some, but far from the truth for me. I took careful precautions to hide my cuts. It was a personal experience that I didn't want anyone else to know about. The cuts were my secret, my way of dealing with all the emotions that I didn't know how to handle. They appeared on my wrists or ankles and occasionally on my hip. Places that caused enough physical pain to momentarily freeze the emotional pain that I felt. I still have some scars, but most are gone by now. Although, you could probably see a lot if you looked close.

Where most would see no order in this self-mutilation, just cutting. It was a refined process for me. The cuts were the same length, depth, distance apart. They were in unison with each other. It was about control. In a world where i felt as though i was spiraling out of control with no hope of stopping. Cutting became my escape. It was something i could control, that no one else had a say in. This belief/feeling eventually lead to a mild eating disorder as well. but that story is for another day. I dont know if i could describe the sense of release and the wave of relief that would occur after i cut. It was as though i didn't have a care in the world. As though everything would be okay, no matter what the situation was.

At 22, I am strong enough to say that I have an addiction. Not with drugs, alcohol, or sex. but with cutting. A desire to mark my body as a means to cope with a life that seems out of control at times. As with any addiction, it is not black and white. You cannot just quit. It is a lifetime quest to stay above a thing that draws you in when you are at your weakest. Cutting has not been a constant since i first began. I knew deep down that it was not good for me, and i worked to control the urge to pull out a blade and feel better. When asked with the question of either facing all the pain or making a few slices across my wrists...it was at times a very difficult choice. And still is to this day. The longest I have gone without cutting is two years, four months and some odd days. this may not seem like a lot to some people. But for me, it is a proud accomplishment.

Two weeks ago, I let things get to me. I allowed other peoples thoughts and beliefs to influence my judgement enough to where i was belittled. Made out to be the bad person who was causing tension and in essence ruining my best friends relationship with his girlfriend. As painful as the words she spoke to me were, and how good it felt when the blade went across my wrist and i saw the first blood drops. I was mad. Mad that I let this girl, who means nothing to mean, get under my skin enough to go back to a coping method that only causes me more pain in the end. I regretted the choice to cut the very next day.

I hope that through this, it is seen that people make mistakes. As I did numerous times, each time i picked up a blade. But one cannot hold a persons previous mistakes against them. I learn everyday different ways to deal with the chaos and stress that is my life. It is a challenge and a struggle at times. There are days that I would just like to give up. But i dont, because after all the shit that life has thrown me, and the bad things that i've already overcome. I know that I can handle pretty much anything that comes my way. I want to end with a quote. Its no one famous, but from a dear friend who means the world to me. He summed it up with a few simple words that I keep with me every day. It inspires me to have a better outlook on life. Which really comes in handy some days.

"I can't tell you what the future will bring, but I promise it will get better"