I recently spent two days at a Women of Faith conference with my mother and two older sisters. Needless to say, this was not a weekend I was looking forward to. I originally agreed to go as a mother daughter bonding trip; i didn't expect to come away with much of anything. Turns out, I was wrong.
There's been so much going on in my life lately, I wouldn't even know where to start. Completely overwhelmed by everything that seems to be coming my way. I went to this conference with no expectations of getting anything out of it. Thursday and Friday day went went, minimal drama seemed to find me. Then came friday night. I know that it was partially created by me, but I suprised, amazed and disgusted by what came next. I had sent a text to my friend (ex-bf, as well) asking about plans. Inviting him, his gf, and another mutual friend over to the hotel where i was staying. For drinks and use of the pool & hot tub. Needless to say, I knew the attempt to be friendly was futile. My suspicions were proven true, but i was surprised at how the final decision was told to me.
"I would but you know as i do bad things will come of it. we will hang out soon." I couldn't help but wonder how the person on the other end of the phone was feeling. What a mess of a situation had been created for one of my best friends. STuck in the middle, a gf who doesnt like me, and me, a friend, who wants to have peace or at least tolerance between everyone. There are days that I see his texts or hear his voice when we talk. I can tell that we are good friends, and there are times when he misses the ability to just talk or hang out. It crushes my heart. Our friendship is so very important to me, but i've been selfish. Wanting to maintain a great friendship, but at the cost of him fighting with his girlfriend....about me.
I'm stuck in this confusing state of who to please. In essence, I should please myself. I have a good friendship with him. One that has been fairly constant going on four years. Do I please her? And stop all communication with him. As it makes her uncomfortable and awkward feeling that he talks to me. Or do i please him? We've had many conversations about the situation. He gets upset when he finds out that she repeatedly texts me, going off about things she has no idea about. He cares about our friendship, i can tell. but i KNOW that he loves her. I hate that I have been a reason they fight, and that my friendship with him causes tension. But from the beginning, we have always had an understanding that he would be the one to tell me if the terms of our "friendship" needed to change.
You may be wondering, where my conference experience ties into the crazy that is my life. It is as simple as two words. LET GO. Ever since he became the *ex* i have been told by everyone in my life that i needed to let him go, let go of our friendship, etc. And i did. He is not a person i want to fall in love with anymore, i dont want to spend my life with him, and i most certainly know, that it would never ever ever work between us. Yet, he is still one of my best friends. We were friends before we dated, we were friends when we were taking a break, and even on the day when the words came from his mouth that it was over. He still made me stay at his house (not in the same bed of course) because he knew me, he still cared. He has been the rock and stability in my life for so long. In times where every other person walked out of my life. Left me broken and in shambles. He was there. A friend who put all other drama aside and was a friend when it was needed.
So, do i need to let him go? do i need to put the past behind me and let go of this amazing friend. Because it bothers the rest of the world. but doesnt bother us? At the conference, there was a lady who spoke about letting go of things that weigh us down. Allowing God to take these burdens off our chests so we could be happy again. She held up a piece of white tag-board, with a single word written on one side. She asked, what would you write on yours. What thing do you need and want to let go of in order to move on. I thought about this for a moment, what would be on my card. After all the struggles i have been through in my life. What is the one thing that i'm still holding onto. and not moving forward. For a split second, i thought it was him. That i hadnt let go and it was holding me back. I had heard it so many times, from anyone who knew even the smallest part of the story. I wasnt over him, i wouldn't move on, i was living in a false reality and i was making his life hell. In the end, I chose a completely different word. Resentment. For which the meaning i'm sure i'll explain later.
The point is, my friendship with him. Is not something i need to let go of. I fought hard for over a year to regain my friend. we help each other out whenever the other asks. we are there to talk when the other needs it. we share things that happen in our lives, because the other wants to know. I would really like to know how the HELL someone can tell me that this is a bad thing to hold onto. a friend that is actually there?! sounds like something people search for all their lives. I know what she feels like, the girlfriend who sees her boyfriend talking to his ex. but honestly she needs to get over it. I have made every effort to be nice to her. We've hung out a couple times, I always say hi, i've even let her know that in no way am i trying to get him back. I know what its like to be in that situation. Almost exactly. with him! I was the gf when he was talking to the ex. but when i saw how important it was to him. I dropped it. I trusted him. and i knew that it would push us apart if i didn't accept the fact that they were friends.
I dont know if there will ever be a time when i want to let go of our friendship. so im left to sit here wondering if i need to let go. not for me, not for him, but for the rest of the world that seems to have a problem with our friendship. When will i have to yet again set aside my wants to put others first.
Let Go...two simple words that people tell me all the time. i will gladly let go of things that hurt me, weigh me down, and allow me to make bad decisions. but this? I'm not ready to let go of a friendship. I dont expect anyone else to understand. Yet, I secretly wish they would.
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