well fuck. here I am, sitting in my room. post cleaning and organizing. struggling to find any music that fits my mood. but i’m at a loss. nothing speaks to me anymore. I feel like I have no internal voice. he broke me, he knew it, he tried to - and succeeded. what a mother fucker. god, why did I allow it. How did I let it happen. I’m smarter than that. The books are right, its not all my fault. It was manipulation, abuse and control that lead me down the wrong path. I wonder how many other women he’s done this to. Am I the only one who he took it this far with? Were there others? I mean, I know there were others - he made a god damn list with his conquests. what a pig. Fuck being broken. I do not accept this, but I have to. Because it’s the truth. I have to rebuild and i’m struggling with how I’m even supposed to figure out how to start doing that. I need to rediscover the things that excite me, that I enjoy, that I look forward to. Everything reminds me of him. Even the things that were my own. I’m reminded of how he stole them from me, took away my energy, my essence, he killed my soul.
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i don’t .. i haven’t figured out how to even express or understand what i’m feeling right now. honestly, truthfully. the thing that scares me the most.. is that I don’t feel anything. I’m aware of the different scenarios of how I could react or “deal” or “process” everything that i’m going through right now. Levels upon levels of complex emotional, physical an mental health trauma. Add in the multiple environment factors, alcohol and drug abuse and typical mischief that I am most known for. I’m numb, .. but I refuse to let some relationship take over and send me spiraling. a state of shock? long term shock? i feel like i’m just faking it.. like growing up. I wish I could feel how i think people feel when they experience love and happiness, it its unaltered form. I just feel numb. barely swimming enough not to drown. but its the most basic instinct, flight or fight. I only want to live right now because I refuse to let that son of a bitch get the best of me. there. I said it. maybe thats the key,
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