Bipolar Fucking Sucks. End scene.

It's 2014 already.  I never could have predicted that things would be the way they are. I did however predict the chaos part of my life. Bipolar disorder II. My own special kind of crazy.

It started a really long time ago, or so it feels. Years of the same thing, over and over again. It really is the only thing I've ever been able to count on. Even the days when I couldn't believe or trust my own thoughts. I knew this craziness would always remain. Even in my darkest days, it would be with me. When the days are just too much, I can escape. And then. I realized the scariest thing of all - this is how my entire life will be. Never easy, a daily struggle against myself.

I go on because I am one of many that have learned what it really means to be alive. I tried to kill myself, and I failed. Mind you, I don't fail at much. But I failed and then moved on, knowing that if it didn't work there was more for me out there. That I could face this huge monster. Every day is another day to just exist.

They say self-actualization is a good. I learn more about who I really am by writing. Analyzing the thoughts, picking out the crazy ones and piecing the remnants together in a makeshift roadmap to happiness. I do the best with what I have, some days it isn't that much but I have to hope the next day is better. I've learned when I cycle, my temper shows and I hate that. I become The little engine that could and just push ahead, the world may be crashing around me but I still hope tomorrow will be different.  A tomorrow where I don't have to fight this battle. Life is not fair, one of my mantras, but heck, this one really really sucks!

Lately, I have been so very overwhelmed that I've just closed the world out. I'm here, but feel broken. Something is missing, things inside just aren't quite right. I can't figure out how to fix. I mean, truthfully there is no fixing it. There will always be days that I feel like this and that's just life. Because life isn't always fair and bipolar sucks.

 I believe you can find true happiness through purpose. I feel trapped by that thought, my days feel like the main purpose is to survive it. That's a slight exaggeration because I'm no where near the darkness like the past. But how do I find passion and purpose again when I struggle at the little things most days. How do I live with it?

My battery is about to die. I've used a ton of Kleenex. Spilt wine on the bed & poured my soul enough for tonight.
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