To begin; a symptom recap. KT had recently left after a 5 day adventure. I was worn out, a little frazzled, but still amped up on the excitement of zip lining. True to a bipolar personality; I'm a die hard adrenaline junkie. That temporary fix to my life long battle. Moving onto the atmosphere concert. Awesome group, not awesome alcohol and drug interactions. I wanted peace and tranquility but was not obliged. I could feel myself slipping, anxiety and panic now arriving at all hours. The simple idea of making something to eat, going out in public, god forbid hang out with other people my age. Was not going to happen, or so I told myself. I did take a few days, still worked but can't remember much of the days. Still in the depressed state I knew I had to take one tiny little step in the direction I wanted to go.
That step was a third date. The experience alone deserves a good hunk of my attention but I'll come back to it
. I took this chance even though the BPD was screaming internally not to go. It's an odd feeling to experience when you can sense this other voice inside you. Something that somehow can tweak the way I think. Distort reality just enough to still make it believable and logical.
My use of the word 'need' is getting almost unbearable. Ike for me to just start doing things. One of the first steps that I am taking is to give my family another opportunity to take interest or at least acceptance of BPD. It may work, may not. But I want to try just in case they've had a change of heart. Maybe they do want to understand what it's like for me.
Or maybe, it could all be like before. I can't go down that road again. It nearly killed me the first time when I was surrounded by friends and family. Who knows, I'm going to try though.
If you aren't familiar with my writings and/or mood swings this is a manic entry... Written near 2am my mind is thinking so many different things that I literally cannot type fast enough before I think of something new. The original purpose of this was to discuss why right now in my life it would probably destroy me if I attempted to take a full time teaching job right now. I know it would devastate my family and make the whole town and extended family look down. On me. They see it as me not doing anything with my life but really every day I'm doing everything so I can still have a life. So I can live. As close to normal with something that will never go away.
I've learned it's very hard for me to trust, believe, or depend on anyone or thing in the world...
Except for being bipolar.
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