Where i'm at

If you ask me how i'm doing, my response would be "i'm NOT okay". I've been digging deeper into my disease. Finding out the truths in all the memories and feelings. Trying to give the strength I use everyday to my best friend because she needs it more than me. For now at least. I've never wanted to allow or feel as though I allowed this disease to control my life. Next step is to now start controlling it. I was reading an article that states approximately only 16% of young adults diagnosed with bipolar will complete college. well a BIG FUCK you to bipolar. because I did it. barely, but i did it. I've made a lifestyle choice not to take medications for a disease that is termed as "life-long" According to the medical world, I should constantly be in therapy (of some sorts), on medication (even though its a horrible challenge for women who want to have kids at any point. While on the point of meds, there's two main points.

1. I never felt completely "alive" while on meds. I was never high-high or low-low while on them, but I didnt really feel anything.
2. My attempts were always drug overdose. I dont like taking pills for anything, let alone a disease that almost killed me

I should be managing my stress, managing my sleeping, managing my eat habits, exercising every day, and constantly self-monitoring.
Who would ever want to put another human being through that. My own family didnt/does not want to deal with it. So why would anyone else? My life is a CONSTANT struggle and battle. No one seems to get what I mean by constant. Its every day, every hour, every minute. So why is this disease/disorder so hard for people to comprehend? It's not tangible. It's internal, unless I'm sharing what i'm thinking or feeling, you wouldnt know.

you wouldnt know the;
pain, anger, sadness, helplessness, resentment, despair, and mania...god, thats a whole different story.

Mania....when I dont sleep, dont eat, spend enormous amounts of money, and say exactly what is on my mind. It's the mania of bipolar that has made some magnificent creative personas. but to all the people that think "but they gave us so much". Please think what that person had to give to do that. They were most likely going through some of the worst times of their own lives. but hey, they were great artists.

i'm not okay, I dont think i'll ever be. but i'm here and thats good enough for me.