Being bipolar does not define who I am but it certainly influences how live my life. I'm on constant guard, bracing for the explosion worse than all the others. Living with this disease on your own terms is certainly not the easiest or least painful, but I could not imagine living without certain aspects of my personality.
Life is full of dos and donts with an unfathomable amount of what if situations. How to respond, when to leave, what emotions to trust and how to be happy. I am at times a slave to my body; doing what it needs even if my brain protests. These are the the boring everyday tasks that most people complete without much thought. Simple, right? For me, these are impossible at times attributed to a range of causes. May it be a manic hyper-creative, gotta OCD clean my closet or go driving fast late at night or crying for absolutely no logical reason simple is not happening right now.
It feels at times like I get distracted and forget random things, meanwhile I can visualize nearly any object that I've seen and touched. Near shy of photographic memory. With every gift I get there is a flaw to always keep balance. I have to accept and cope with these flaws but its the burden I bare to experience the many wondrous gifts I have.
I could live my life in another way if I chose. A world filled with less extremes, less pain, no constant guard up waiting for the next time everything collapses. Blissful at times but primarily unfulfilled and a diminished range of emotions. Not as happy as I'd remembered but definitely not as sad. The creative Leo in me thrived in making and producing. It was my very own stamp on the world. No one else could be me- not even close! I will always have that and need to feed that desire. These are the desires of myself without the disease. My true nature, a beautiful glowing one. I can feel it, over everything else when I relax and take the moments one by one. It speaks to me. A guiding light during darkness and an anchor for the high tides. I may be bipolar but it didn't always win; it can be that way again. Not forever, there's no forever better. Little moments, glimpse into the future full of clear blue skies, laughter and love. It exists I promise.
It's a path I walk and life choice I make. Living the best life with the cards I've been given. You may see selfishness in some actions and I'm sorry that you haven't seen my actions as the "treatment" for my disease. I've chosen an "alternative" lifestyle and that's just how it's going to be.
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