what to say about 2k10

It has been quite a year. Never knowing what to expect. Everything that I planned, changed. And everything I let go, worked out great. I know i've been hiding my disease lately, it isnt something i'm proud of. Although, I will never regret it for my life. I have been making myself not feel. It is a process that I'm not sure if I can explain.

I think it began when I was younger; the yelling, screaming into piles of clothes because I couldnt figure out why I was feeling this way. By this way, I refer to the early childhood onset of Bipolar II. A combination of obsessive cumplsive disorders, slight eating disorders, self mutilation, suicide attempts, drug abuse, physical, mental, and emotional abuse. A cycle of isolation and despair; then extravagant spending sprees and no sleep. No support system through 4 years of treatment. A family denying the fact there is anything wrong. While a medical system is trying to thrust me into 6 different meds and therapy 3 times a week. 


Would you want to remember that?? Truly, are those the memories that you would want to dream about over and over again? Reliving experiences where you were a few hours from death. Born and raised roman catholic, you belived it was your guardian angel. you were meant to be here... Then after one year of school, your beliefs are stripped. Informed they aren't the "right" beliefs. You survived for one year because you believed that God was real and then he was gone.

You wouldnt want to know those things and all the other things I never tell a soul. Dont lie or try to act like you have a compassion to understand. YOU DO NOT NOT WANT TO KNOW THE THINGS I HAVE GONE THROUGH.

I have developed a unique gift or skill. I can forget almost anything I could ever choose to. I've have nearly 13 years to refine a skill to cover a disease that destroys me at times. If I forget, I dont feel and if I dont feel, I dont hurt. It is as simple as that.

I choose to black out anything painful.

If I didnt. I wouldnt be alive.

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