Im usually great with writing my thoughts and feelings. but quite honestly, I have barely had the time to think. My life is organized chaos with little room for self reflection. A thing that I so desperately need. I cant even decide where to start in this mini-story, but already my eyes are welling up with tears. i know where i am, yet i feel lost. i have family and friends around me, yet i feel so very alone. i am happy with my life and feel I'm making huge steps in the right direction, yet i feel that nothing i do is ever good enough for those around me. My day could start at 6am end at 11pm and i still wouldn't have accomplished enough. Or done the right things, or completed everything off a list of a hundred things. I'm a student, a teacher, an employee, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a "good time" (only for 1 person), caretaker to my cats, and god knows what else. I'm doing all these things, planning a vacation, getting ready to take license tests, graduate in may, move in June, and everyone always wants me to do things right away. well guess what?! I CANT. I'm so far beyond emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained that I cant even stop it. Yea sure, i'm the 22 year old girl who seems to have her life all-together. Well, its true to an extent but what I dont have together is me. Im standing in the middle of this cyclone. Everything spinning around and staying above ground. with me, stuck in the middle. an erie calm has taken over my body, soul, and mind. i dont feel anything, wait. that's a lie. I feel everything, but i show nothing. My life is the biggest example of an oxy-moron that you could ever find. it's picture perfect from the outside, still pretty from a closer look, but inside... it's in shambles. The feelings that are stirring inside me are ones that i thought i would never feel again. i want them to stop. i NEED them to stop. i'm crumbling, i'm failing, i'm spiraling down into this pit of insecurity, hopelessness, and despair. This place where my coping method was cutting, because it did feel SO good. it helped, it was in my control. my life, my thing. no one else had a say.
In less than 11 hours, I'll be teaching.
In less than 4 hours, I'll be sleeping.
In less than 2 hours, I'll be talking with my parents.
But right now, in this very moment, I'm crying and sitting next to a blade.
A blade that has always been faithful, never once did it leave without a goodbye. It always had a solution to my problem, took away my pain and anxiety about life. It made me stop crying, it made me feel better.
How crazy to think that a simple object could give me the comfort i needed, when the rest of the world failed to do so.
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