As much as I enjoy the person I discovered over the past five years; there is this thing. This essence of my being that has lived a troubled past. I can't describe the intense feeling that overcomes my body when I start to think about it. Reminiscing about memories, thinking "what if" about certain choices, and re-visiting some of the darkest days in twenty three years. It is through remembering the scary times that I regan the momentum in my daily challenge with bi-polar.
Now a days, it's relatively calm. There are the good days and bad but overall I'm quite pleased with my life. Which sometimes amazes me that I actually feel that happy. There were times that I honestly, swear on the bible, believed that I would have to feel that unhappy and sad for the rest of my life. Sometimes it was the feeling of being alone. That no one else in the world could understand what I was feeling. I remember going into the closet on my School street bedroom. I would shut the door, curl up into a little ball and cry until my eyes were dry and couldn't cry any longer. At the same time, I had an uncontrollable sense of rage. I wanted to scream, hit, kick, or break something. It made my body tense up. Every muscle in my body was constricted. Then there was my heart and lungs. I could feel my heart beat so vividly, it was in every part of my body. Short, wispy, un-fullfilling breaths were fast and rapid. Air was going in but it still felt as though I was gasping for each breath.
Later on I discover the proper scientific definitions for all my symptons persay. Panic attacks..thats what they were. Go figure. This whole time there was a name for it. I wasn't making it up.
Back to my original point. These things that I felt and experienced would at times lead to the path strewn with suicidal thoughts. I would never be proud for my thoughts or actions dealing with this topic. However, I will never be ashamed. You cannot judge me for who I was in the past. I am ever growing and changing. The wrong I have done before, can not affect what I am doing in the future. But this picture, was from one of those times. A speedbump in my life, felt as though I was falling off a cliff.
It was June of 2008, I had just moved in to the 323 house and Anthony had just recently ended things with me. Add to the combination that he was living in the same house with me! In his own room, for a while atleast, and we were going on as though we were still dating but nothing physical. Any girl will say that is a crazy thing to do. We were together for almost two years, we started living with each other after about 5 months, and he was my first real love. Living with that person, after you are broken up has DISASTER written all over it. As usual I ignored all possibility that it would not be a smart decision and said "what the hell" and continued. Skipping out a lot of stupid crazy arguements that didnt help anything, and its the day of our Housewarming party. It was still somewhat early, two hours or so before people would be showing up. Anthony had been gone for two days staying at krista. Mind you, she was the girl that he left me for. I was depressed that he had already found someone and felt so alone. All of our friends had alienated me; but it was a breakup and they picked sides. Of course they picked anthony, he grew up with them. It was so unfair, Anthony was the one who ended it, he was the one leaving me for another girl. But they defended him as usual. I was sitting in my room with the cats by my side; I wondered if all the drama that was created was worth the effort. My body was already physically drained from moving and emotionally drained from the break-up. I couldn't take an afternoon with all the people who most hated me and then anthony with the new play toy for the summer. My method of choice is pills. Always was, Always is. While I counted out the pills I thought to myself what it was they were doing for me. I was finding the good things that would come of this. I would no longer be a burden to anyone, they wouldn't have to worry or deal with me anymore. Besides that, it was a doorway for me personally. I wouldn't have to feel depressed all the time, I would be happy, healthy, and I would be fixed. The pills all sat on a notebook, exactly the right amount to knock me out before I would get sick and then I would go peacefully. I wrote those reason around the solution. It was my final goodbye to the world in an artistic, poetic and creative way. It was my creative expression. This is the picture. A visual representation of the struggle in my life. A re-occurring debate between life and death. Sometimes I get asked why or what does it feel like, well here it is. To the people who doubt, you couldn't make up the feelings associated with those experiences or even understand. To those that believe and those that have experienced it, as long as you can recognize the problem and its effects you can do something to fix it. I have been off meds for over three years, and seeing a therapist maybe four times a year. My life isnt picture perfect happy like associated with medications, but it's an adventure and experience that I love, cherish, and wouldn't trade for anything.
Some say a picture is worth 1,000 words. This one was 1,000.
<3life
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