one of my many flaws....anger & its effects

There are days when I wish the only thing I could do was yell and scream at the top of my lungs. There are people in my life, who in all honesty just piss me off so much some days, I can barely stand it. I can feel my throat tense up, my breathing becomes slow and deliberate. I can try to calm myself down, but there is this overwhelming sense of rage that has seemed to engulf my entire body. I've had this happen since I can remember. There's just a trigger that gets switched, and I put up this defensive mode. I get quite and oblivious to what you may be saying. I respond how you would like me to, experience has taught me this is the best route. And although you heard what you wanted. I kept all my feelings inside. It would be far too much for you to hear what I really think...

So what do I think? I think you had some valid points and I will try to pull my weight a little more. But beyond that, there isn't much else that is going to please you. I have been through thick and thin with you. Stood by your side when your friends were trash talking the SHIT out of you. You did me wrong so many times, and every time I forgave because there were times when you were a friend to me. I'm not doing that anymore, I'm sick and tired of the bullshit you call a friendship. You really dont care about anyone but yourself. You act like it, but shit. I can see right through you. It's the fakeness of your words and the insincerity in your tone. When you cry, I comfort. When I cry, you either walk away or pass the bowl. See, if you get me high enough I wont want to talk. And there solves all your problems. You wont have to listen to the pain in my voice or watch the tears stream down my face. If that happened, you would have to act like you cared. acting, I think the human race has almost mastered this skill. And especially you. So many people have told me time and time again, that you arent a true friend. I always wondered. I would have lost almost all faith in you, and then I would be suprised at how well we got along. It wasnt til just now that I saw the true picture.

You're a person I know, who takes advantage of my caring, nurturing, giving, and compassionate personality. You strung me along with kindness just long enough to get what you wanted. But I really question your motives behind your actions. I talk about school, no response. I talk about friends, no response. I talk about family, slight response. You get the point. But me? Almost every single time you came to me. I was there. Now it may be a personal flaw of mine that I care that much about my friends, but HOW DARE YOU abuse that friendship. You are the people my sisters warned me about. The people that we needed to stay away from because we were at times too nice for our own good. gave people one too many last chances because we wanted to believe that there was good in everyone. Look back at the memories, our fun and laughter was all too often hand in hand with an excess amount of alcohol and legal and illegal drugs.

I've always maintained my silence when those around me are causing me to question a friendship. I try to be very accepting of flaws, as I have many of my own. But i'm done. I can no longer excuse the lack of....well everything.

So after all of that. My adrenaline rush has subsided and now I can reflect on everything. I'm calm, but those feelings of resentment still remain. I dont know if i'll ever say my peace to those in my life, but what I can and will do is be done with it all and let go of a friendship that in the end hurts me more than it ever helped.